“Uhhhhh.…what?” That was exactly what I said the first time it was ever said to me. I lived in Birmingham, AL at the time and the person who said that to me was named Jim S.. Now, I had plenty of people in my life and throughout my life that would say, “Rebecca, you need to grow up!” But never in my life had anyone ever told me that I needed to “grow down”. I didn’t even have a concept of what that could mean. But once it was explained to me, it proved to be one of those “truths” that you can never outgrow or fully “know everything about”. It is the kind of truth that constantly reveals it’s self. So, if you are curious to know what growing down is all about, then I’m going to tell you.
You know when I was a kid and someone would tell me I needed to “grow up” it really would frustrate me. But when I became an adult and people would say, “You just need to grow up!” Now THAT would really tick me off! Mostly because to me, it was the same as someone telling me that I wasn’t good enough or that I was less than them. I also didn’t like words such as “childish” or “immature” for the same reason and because anytime those words were directed towards me it wasn’t as a “compliment”. Yet when I first came into treatment and began getting sober, these were some of the first words I started hearing and the concept of “growing up” was again placed before me. So lets look at what is involved in growing up and/or becoming a mature adult and member of society:
1.) What we know: Part of maturity is gaining knowledge of living skills, social skills and coping skills that we need to be successful.
2.) What we say: How I speak is very important to my standing in society. If I am cussing everyone out like a loose cannon, people will most likely not be inclined to put a lot of faith in my stability and I’m guaranteed to spend most of my time in conflict with others.
3.) How I act: My behavior is crucial to my well being in society. If I have a job and one day get angry and just start throwing things around and being destructive. What is going to happen? Yep..most likely I’ll end up unemployed. How I act will have a direct effect on my quality of life.
4.) Who I know: Well, part of growing up is knowing who your friends are. I don’t have folks in my house that I have to look at “sideways”. Also for example: If I’m trying to get a good job, it helps to know someone that can help me get my foot in the door.
5.) My own strength: Part of developing into a mature adult is having a sense of inner strength and will power. The development of these qualities leads to perseverance and success.
So it is easy to see that these qualities are a necessary part of growing up and being a successful adult. It also makes sense that when we come into recovery these things can and do become very confusing! I mean think about it, the five things previously listed are very logical right? But lets look at what happens when we try to use these same things to “keep” us clean and sober:
1) What we know: The Big Book of Alcoholic’s Anonymous says, “Self knowledge avails us nothing”. What I know doesn’t keep me sober. If it did, I would get the information the first time and never mess up again.
2.) What we say: Words are cheap! We all know how to talk a good game. But talking never kept anyone clean/sober. How many times did you say you were “fine” right before you relapsed?
3.) How we act: We will act however we have to in order to get what we want. How I act and where I’m really at can be two totally different things.
4.) Who I know: Sure it’s important to get with the “winners”. That isn’t the problem. But the Big Book said, “The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.” (No person or even group of people can save me!) This is why relapse could occur even though I had a home group and sponsor. It is NOT the home group and sponsor that “save” me. They support and guide me in the application of the spiritual 12 steps that teach me how to connect and rely upon the God that is the only One who keeps me relived from the bondage of my active addiction.
5.) My own strength: While it is true that inner strength, will power and personal motivation are all parts of a successful life, they don’t relieve the mental obsession. The Big Book says: “We are restless, irritable and discontented unless we can again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks.” I feel this way because when first getting sober, the one power source that did for me what I couldn’t do for myself, (the chemicals), is gone and I’ve not yet replaced it with anything. The more I take action in my recovery, the more relief I will gain from these three emotions. Likewise, the more “I run the show” the more these emotions will increase until I relieve them with picking up again.
The concepts of recovery are frustrating and aggravating when we first start hearing them because they aren’t “logical”. Everything is a paradox. To be saved you have to “let go”; To gain power you have to admit “powerlessness”; To gain recovery you have to “surrender” ; To keep what you have you have to “give it away”. Recovery is based on spiritual principles. The logic/intellect and the spirit are two completely different things. (Like oil and vinegar.) This is why it is so frustrating. My instincts lead me to want to use logic. I have to “learn” to use spiritual principles. In essence, “I have to do the paradox of growing up, by grow down.” So how do I do that?
To use the best example I know of, let’s look at the qualities of a very young child: They are honest, believing, forgiving, accepting, teachable, willing, open-minded. They will: try, ask questions, admit when they don’t know something and be ok with being wrong.
Now let’s look at recovery. We can see where the qualities of a mature adult tend to clash with addiction recovery. So let’s look at what happens when we incorporate the qualities of a child.
1.) The Big Book says the essentials of recovery are willingness, honesty and open-mindedness.
2.) Step 2 tells me I will come to believe. (Belief is the suspicion that causes me to make a decision to take action on something.)
3.) Forgiveness and acceptance are qualities that enable me to move
past my resentments.
4.) Being “teachable” and willing to “ask questions” is what allows me to learn and develop a new way of living.
5.) Admitting that “I don’t know” and allowing myself to “be wrong” are just part of recovery. Let’s be honest, I can live my entire life learning everyday and in the end there will still be things that I don’t know. Also, I can strive all I want to have strong morals, values and principles – but I will never be God and therefore will never go through a single day without experiencing being wrong.
So the answer to my growth in sobriety? Asking God to enable me to just simply “grow down”.