Coming down the off ramp from I-95 and approaching the light at the bottom…I see him. Though the faces change, it’s always the same guy. Clothes worn and tattered, usually unshaven, hair unkempt, eyes empty – looking at me…but not really – more looking through me – hoping perhaps for a dollar. Always holding that sign that will have a variety of phrases ranging from “Out of Work” to “Hungry Veteran” to “Will Work for Food”.
I find myself having a variety of reactions as I make my approach. Sometimes I try to get in the farthest lane – positioning my car to be visually blocked in hopes of not being spotted by him; sometimes I will be in line and watching him “without looking directly”; sometimes he may be right beside my window and I will stare forward or try to appear busy as if I don’t know that he is standing there…then there are times that I just crack the window and hand him a dollar – still not making much eye contact. But then… occasionally, it will happen…for whatever reason, I will feel compelled to not only give him a dollar, but to actually make brief conversation and usually ask if he perhaps needs treatment or shelter. You know it’s interesting, because in those moments I don’t see the “invisible person” anymore, but I meet a real guy with a real story and often times–real needs. I would have to say that the “off ramp guy” is above almost anything else, the most consistent “thorn in my side” because I vary so greatly in my reaction to him.
It’s not that I hold myself in poor light based on whether I give money or not or even as to whether I speak or not. No, what get’s me is the condition of my own heart when I see him. Regardless of “why” he is there or “what” he may be trying to accomplish by being there, what haunts me sometimes is the reaction of my heart to him, (the part of me that no one else even knows about–except my Creator). Sometimes I will think to myself, “He needs to get a job! Why should I give him money that I work for, when he isn’t willing to do the same?” Sometimes I will think, “He MUST be crazy, why else would you stand out here all day long?” Sometimes I will think, “Oh I better lock my door – he might be dangerous – he looks a bit off!” But then sometimes, (and I believe it’s when I’m really connected to God at that moment), I will think, “I wonder who he is and how he has ended up here? I wonder if he needs help? I wonder if he knows how much God loves him?” Then the hardest thought of all will creep in, “Why am I to busy to tell him that God loves him? Why am I just sitting here? Why am I not at least saying a prayer for him?”
You see, it eats at me because I know that when I am having my “judgmental thoughts” they are stemming out of my own pride, ego and self righteousness. Who am I to look down on this man? Was I not there myself at one time in my life? I might not have been on a street corner… “But I assure you it’s only because I didn’t think of it!” Was I not a thief? A liar? A cheat? A scammer? A con? I didn’t bathe regularly, didn’t change clothes regularly, didn’t see any hope for my life. Did I not look at people- (but not really) – just looking for what they could give me to help me stay numb for just one more day in this life? Did I not on my best day…wish for the end? Did I not see myself as having “no meaning and no purpose”?
Why am I not standing in this man’s shoes today? Was it because “I picked myself up?”, because “I was so smart?”, because “I was a better person?” Or am I not standing where he is because “God loved me even then…during my most horrible moments?”, because “people I didn’t even know reached out to me and loved me when I couldn’t love myself?”, because in my most hopeless moment “someone prayed to God on my behalf for me?” and because even though I looked crazy, dirty and unstable…someone made eye contact with me and at 2 AM even welcomed me in their home where their children were sleeping and prayed for me? You see, this is why the man at the off-ramp is the thorn in my side. He is my daily reminder of my reprieve and of my responsibility – to be thankful for my life and Who gave it to me and to love and pray for those around me…especially the least appealing.
I have been a part of a teaching series for the past month that was on this simple premise: “If you knew for a fact that you had 30 days left to live….how would you live it?” Well the obvious things that came to my mind were to love my family and my friends as much as possible. However the feelings that have really intensified over the last 30 days have been the desire to share with as many people as possible, (especially those that are the easiest to overlook), that God loves them, adores them and desires above all else to have a relationship with them. To share my own life as an example of that love and to always realize that I didn’t earn this life, but was lovingly “spared” the last one.
The holidays are upon us and this time of the year always seems to bring about a desire to be “connected to”, to “share with”, to “reach out to” and to “be a part of something bigger than myself.” It’s also a time of year that seems to evoke self reflection and to become aware of things I would like to change in the year to come. Being the way that I am by nature, I always want to make those changes BIG and FAST — but of course, it doesn’t really work that way in the long run. For the first time in a long time, I’m not feeling the need to have “big sweeping changes” but rather there is just a desire to not waste my days, to not miss opportunities, to not lay my head down at night with regret for an opportunity missed. What always makes me feel good is when I vigorously pursue that 12th step. What always makes me feel great is when I not only pursue it within the walls of the recovery community…but in the community of life it’s self. I want to share with you my prayer and wish you ALL a wonderful Thanksgiving, Happy Hanukah and Merry Christmas!
“Dear God, please enable me to see with Your eyes, to hear with Your ears & to love with Your heart this day. Amen” (Rebecca B.)