Sure enough I got sober and sure enough I found myself floating down that sweet river Serene. There were people who offered to go with me, but you know…this was MY trip and they weren’t really “my type” anyway. I wanted to do it alone. Yep… just me and the river. It was everything I had hoped for and more! I was just floatin’ down that peaceful stream, the water so clear and smooth, a gentle breeze blowing my hair while the warmth of the sun was cascading over me. I floated along in an almost total state of bliss, thinking to myself, “Man, sober living is a snap!” As I gazed at the water I noticed the ever so slightly gentle ripples in the water, slowly building and multiplying around me. I thought, “Wow, look at the water. It looks so pretty. I love water.” I laid back, feeling so comfortable and peaceful as I drifted ever faster down stream.

Hearing something in the distance unfamiliar to me, I raised myself up from a relaxing state of slumber in a feeble attempt to figure out the strange sound. Far ahead of me I could barely make out something white on the water. “Hey”, I thought to myself, “that looks like snow. It’s so pretty!” For just a moment I thought, “Strange that there is snow on such a warm sunny day.” But…not wanting to leave the comfort of my sweet trip down the river Serene I laid back to enjoy my ride filled with peace and joy that would never ever have to end.

BLAM!! BUMP!! BOOM!! BAM!! “AHHHhhhhh!”

I shot straight up! “What was that?!! “What in the Sam hell is going on here?!!”

Suddenly I realize…. “That’s not SNOW! Arrrggghhh!!! I’m in the middle of white water rapids!!!” I thought, “How did I get here? How did this happen?  I don’t know how to do this! Don’t I need a raft? But I’m in a canoe!!! What happened to my ride?” Then…up ahead… I see it. (Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse.) That loud noise…”Oh hell, it’s the falls!!!!” I grab the ore, paddling against the current with all that was in me! For every 6 fast “paddles” I moved backward another foot! Realizing my efforts were ultimately futile, moving ever closer to the edge of the falls, I begin searching the shore line for someone…ANYONE!!!! I paddle and I paddle….I’m still moving backwards! In desperation I cry out, “GOD!!!!! HELP MEEEEE!!! PLEASE!!!!”

Then, I hear a voice…”Hey! Grab the rope when I throw it!”  I turn and see some people on the shore line. I think, “Where the heck did they come from?” Then I think, “Who cares!” They throw the rope and I grab it. Exhausted I can’t even pull my own self in. All I can do is hang on tight and let them pull me to shore.
So, (as in my metaphor), this was my experience in early recovery. Thinking I could do it, thinking it wouldn’t be hard and freaking out when the reality of “living” came crashing towards me. Finding that when my “self sufficiency” reached its limits, there was a God and a fellowship of people that could do for me what I couldn’t — pull me to safety. I am so thankful for that realization and that over the years the truth that was there in the beginning continues to be the same truth that saves me today.

I remember when I first started hearing it I thought, “Yes! I know that grace is the only reason that I am here!” But then sometimes I would hear in meetings that so and so relapsed, “but by the grace of God go I”. I would think to myself, “yeah that’s true, but why did that happen to them?” I had begun to question the legitimacy of that statement. It came to a head when a female, who had been a resident in the program I worked in at the time, was reportedly found dead in her apartment. She had allegedly been in another relapse. That was obviously troubling, all deaths are. But that wasn’t what troubled me the most. What really got me, was that she had reportedly died in an upright position beside her bed, on her knees in a “prayer” posture. The more that image came into my mind, the angrier I became. I thought, “so what about grace God?!! Where was her grace? What did she do to not deserve the grace? Better yet, what did I do to get it?”

Anger and guilt, that was about all that was in me for several days. This was one time I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone else. I just wanted to understand and I wanted that answer to come from my own Creator. One day it just did. A very clear thought entered into my mind. “What made me think that what happened to her wasn’t grace? I mean, who was I to say what grace was or was not. This female, I knew to chronically relapse. I had heard some people who had known her for a long time state believing that she was one of the “unfortunates” that the Big Book referred to, that was incapable of being honest with her self.

So, how did grace apply to her? Well, what came to me was this. She had reportedly suffered most of her life with addiction and the inability to stay clean. What if, in that prayerful position, God as she understood Him, gave her grace and relieved her of her suffering? It was difficult for me to grasp that initially, but as years have passed, I have come to believe this. It is just so easy to put God into a box and define Him in strict terms with many boundaries. In reality, I believe my Creator to be infinite, endless and without boundaries. Like a lot of people, one might think that prison would not be an answer to prayer, but I have talked to hundreds of inmates who would say with utter conviction, that indeed it was an answer to prayer and that they would be dead if it had not have happened! I have talked to many a homeless person, who had once had numerous possessions in their in their life, only to lose it all, including their families, due to their addiction. Those same people would look me in the eye and would also say with great conviction, “I’m so grateful for that, because I wouldn’t be where I am today if it had not have happened”
.
In my own life I have heard those very words come out of my own mouth, when someone would say, “I can’t believe you can be so happy after all that stuff happened.” So in conclusion, I found that grace is a word without boundaries and it comes in many forms. Why grace is one way for one person and a totally different way for another, well, I think that is just God’s business.
…………………..Rebecca B.

I find myself having a variety of reactions as I make my approach. Sometimes I try to get in the farthest lane – positioning my car to be visually blocked in hopes of not being spotted by him; sometimes I will be in line and watching him “without looking directly”; sometimes he may be right beside my window and I will stare forward or try to appear busy as if I don’t know that he is standing there…then there are times that I just crack the window and hand him a dollar – still not making much eye contact.  But then… occasionally, it will happen…for whatever reason, I will feel compelled to not only give him a dollar, but to actually make brief conversation and usually ask if he perhaps needs treatment or shelter. You know it’s interesting, because in those moments I don’t see the “invisible person” anymore, but I meet a real guy with a real story and often times–real needs. I would have to say that the “off ramp guy” is above almost anything else, the most consistent “thorn in my side” because I vary so greatly in my reaction to him.

It’s not that I hold myself in poor light based on whether I give money or not or even as to whether I speak or not. No, what get’s me is the condition of my own heart when I see him. Regardless of “why” he is there or “what” he may be trying to accomplish by being there, what haunts me sometimes is the reaction of my heart to him, (the part of me that no one else even knows about–except my Creator). Sometimes I will think to myself, “He needs to get a job! Why should I give him money that I work for, when he isn’t willing to do the same?” Sometimes I will think, “He MUST be crazy, why else would you stand out here all day long?” Sometimes I will think, “Oh I better lock my door – he might be dangerous – he looks a bit off!” But then sometimes, (and I believe it’s when I’m really connected to God at that moment), I will think, “I wonder who he is and how he has ended up here? I wonder if he needs help? I wonder if he knows how much God loves him?” Then the hardest thought of all will creep in, “Why am I to busy to tell him that God loves him? Why am I just sitting here? Why am I not at least saying a prayer for him?”

You see, it eats at me because I know that when I am having my “judgmental thoughts” they are stemming out of my own pride, ego and self righteousness. Who am I to look down on this man? Was I not there myself at one time in my life? I might not have been on a street corner… “But I assure you it’s only because I didn’t think of it!” Was I not a thief? A liar? A cheat? A scammer? A con? I didn’t bathe regularly, didn’t change clothes regularly, didn’t see any hope for my life. Did I not look at people- (but not really) – just looking for what they could give me to help me stay numb for just one more day in this life? Did I not on my best day…wish for the end? Did I not see myself as having “no meaning and no purpose”?

Why am I not standing in this man’s shoes today? Was it because “I picked myself up?”, because “I was so smart?”, because “I was a better person?” Or am I not standing where he is because “God loved me even then…during my most horrible moments?”, because “people I didn’t even know reached out to me and loved me when I couldn’t love myself?”, because in my most hopeless moment “someone prayed to God on my behalf for me?” and because even though I looked crazy, dirty and unstable…someone made eye contact with me and at 2 AM even welcomed me in their home where their children were sleeping and prayed for me? You see, this is why the man at the off-ramp is the thorn in my side. He is my daily reminder of my reprieve and of my responsibility – to be thankful for my life and Who gave it to me and to love and pray for those around me…especially the least appealing.

I have been a part of a teaching series for the past month that was on this simple premise: “If you knew for a fact that you had 30 days left to live….how would you live it?” Well the obvious things that came to my mind were to love my family and my friends as much as possible. However the feelings that have really intensified over the last 30 days have been the desire to share with as many people as possible, (especially those that are the easiest to overlook), that God loves them, adores them and desires above all else to have a relationship with them. To share my own life as an example of that love and to always realize that I didn’t earn this life, but was lovingly “spared” the last one.

The holidays are upon us and this time of the year always seems to bring about a desire to be “connected to”, to “share with”, to “reach out to” and to “be a part of something bigger than myself.” It’s also a time of year that seems to evoke self reflection and to become aware of things I would like to change in the year to come. Being the way that I am by nature, I always want to make those changes BIG and FAST — but of course, it doesn’t really work that way in the long run. For the first time in a long time, I’m not feeling the need to have “big sweeping changes” but rather there is just a desire to not waste my days, to not miss opportunities, to not lay my head down at night with regret for an opportunity missed. What always makes me feel good is when I vigorously pursue that 12th step. What always makes me feel great is when I not only pursue it within the walls of the recovery community…but in the community of life it’s self. I want to share with you my prayer and wish you ALL a wonderful Thanksgiving, Happy Hanukah and Merry Christmas!

“Dear God, please enable me to see with Your eyes, to hear with Your ears & to love with Your heart this day. Amen”                                                                    (Rebecca B.)

Well, fortunately I stuck around a while and began to learn the wisdom contained in each and every one of those slogans. But for now, let’s look at “Just for today”. I think that history gives us great examples of the reality of the here and now, or if you will, “just for today”.

Some negative events in history:

End of October, 1929:  The stock market crashed. Prior to this moment in time, many Americans were just living their lives. They had their homes, jobs and dreams for the future. Yet on that day, men were said to have thrown themselves to their death in New York City and through the Great Depression that followed, countless thousands lost everything and had to start over.

November 18, 1978: Hundreds of people thought they had found a religious utopia in Guyana, under the leadership of a man named James W. Jones, called Jamestown. On this day visitors came and disillusioned members decided to leave with them. Upon trying to leave all but a few lost their lives in murder/suicide.

April 8, 1998:  Birmingham, AL – Tornado warnings had been issued. Everyone knew the drill when the sirens went off. But no one knew how bad this one would be. It was an F-5, with winds in excess of 260mph. It ran for 21 miles and was a ½ mile wide. 33 souls would be lost in a matter of minutes.

September 11, 2001:  On this day men and women went to work, sent their loved ones on their way, and began planning their activities. On that day, terrorists dove down from the sky, (in planes filled with innocent people), flying directly into America’s sense of reality & security… changing it forever.

December 26, 2004:  It was a beautiful day and hundreds of thousands of people were going about their days work, some were on vacation, some sleeping – all thinking it was just another day. Then…the largest tsunami in modern history stuck, killing aprx. 230,000 and permanently changing the lives of millions.
Some positive events in history:

December 11, 1934:  A man named Bill Wilson made his last trip to Towns Hospital for treatment of his chronic alcoholism, offered himself to God and found sobriety. He would later become a founder of a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous, through which millions would find freedom and life again.

1952:  A man by the name of Jonas Salk developed the Polio Vaccine. He believed he had found an end to polio. He, his wife and his children risked their own lives to test the vaccine and ultimately changed the future for countless thousands.

December 1, 1955:  A black woman named Rosa Parks was sitting on a bus in Montgomery, Alabama and was told by a white passenger to move. That day…she refused. The decision made that day set in motion an entire change for civil rights…opening the door for a leader.
December, 1955:  Martin Luther King Jr. would take up this cause and from then until 1968, (one day at a time), he changed a nation! He opened eyes and his daily actions changed the lives and destinies of millions.

July 20, 1969:  Neil Armstrong walked on the moon! In one day, the boundaries that had existed for mankind ended and the possibilities became endless.

“Just for today” is the reality of living. I can plan and I can dream, but my tangible reality is in today, it is in the here and now. Let’s look at a person I like to call “Hypothetical Betty”:

Betty entered treatment and had a roommate. Betty hated her life and didn’t think she would make it. But she decided to follow the suggestions she was given. She asked God to keep her clean and she prayed for others. She used a sponsor, read in her book, worked steps and participated in meetings. When Betty got her one year chip she was happy, but felt like she hadn’t done much else or made any real difference for others. She didn’t know of all the other lives affected by her decisions made “just for today” over the past year. Her roommate had observed that Betty was WAY sicker than her and had surmised that if Betty could do it, well, then she would too! Betty’s mom, who had been dying from cancer, saw Betty get sober and had peace when she died. Betty would have a child that year, (who would grow up and later discover a cure for cancer, saving millions). A man named John, (that Betty never knew), made it home to his family the night Betty got her medallion.

Now, let’s say Betty had decided to not listen and leave treatment rather than stick it out, ultimately leading to her relapse. Betty’s roommate would follow her example and leave treatment as well. Betty’s mother would die never having peace. Betty would never have a child, (and millions would continue to suffer from the ravages of cancer). John, (the man she never knew), would never make it home to his family. He would be killed in a horrific auto accident caused by a drunk driver…named Betty.

Here is what I have found:  Just for today isn’t just about me. It is for all the lives affected by what I choose to do today. I can’t change yesterday and I’m not promised tomorrow. I have today and what I do in this day affects hundreds of people I will never know.
Rebecca B.

Well as with everything, as time went on, I came to understand this statement to truly have depth and merit. You see, I had a very deep level of intimacy with my drug of choice, (DOC). I mean, my dope knew everything about me. It knew every success, every failure, every joy, every sorrow, every fear and every private detail of my life! There was absolutely nothing that my DOC didn’t know. There was no aspect of my life that my DOC wasn’t a part of. I new how to rely on it, because of the successful experiences I had with it. When it came to God, I didn’t really understand how to do that. All I had really understood at that point was to pray and that was pretty much it.

I learned that what I really had was religion, a belief in God and a love for God. But what I did not have was a “personal relationship” with God to the level that I would have, say, with a best friend. What do I mean? Well, how does a person go from being an acquaintance to a true friend? It happens through a process of giving and receiving. By trusting them with something and seeing that they have your back. By them finding out the “not so pretty things about you” and seeing that they love and accept you just the same. By screwing up with them and seeing that they will forgive you and still be there. It takes time and experience for that type of relationship to develop. Why would it be any different with God? I mean after all, He created me to be that way. Otherwise I would just go around blindly trusting every “Tom, Dick and Harry” that came along, probably getting hurt and ripped off daily! (No offense to Tom, Dick or Harry!) No, God gave me the ability to observe, weigh and measure, so as to make wise decisions and take healthy actions.

So how do you develop this type of relationship with a God that you can’t physically see or hear? “That’s what I wanted to know!”

Two things were explained to me:

a)    Religion is man’s “collective concept” of God. That’s why there are so many. Even within each particular religion there is a breakdown, from the most liberal concepts to the most extreme. People have a need to be able to spend time with those who share similar concepts and beliefs.

b)    Spirituality on the other hand, is man’s “personal relationship” with God, which can only come about through one’s own personal experiences.

Now, can someone have religion and not have spirituality? They are always a fun bunch of people to be around! (sarcasm intended!) Of course! Can someone have spirituality and not be involved in a particular religion? Absolutely! This is supported in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, when it says that, “We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God.” It goes on to say, “Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another’s conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to affect a contact with Him.”

So, there you have it. I found that “I” didn’t have to figure out God. “I” didn’t have to figure out how to develop a relationship with God. All “I” had to do was be willing to practice some spiritual principles. My friend to me, “if you will simply work the 12-steps, this process will come about on its own!” This turned out to be true as well. The steps enable me to go through the process with God that I did with my best friend. Take a risk, get results, (i.e. – work the steps). After all, it is not until step 12 that the spiritual awakening is referred to in the “past tense.” It says, “having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.”

I am responsible for being willing, honest and open minded. I am responsible to take the action of working the steps. My Creator on the other hand, is responsible for all the rest. Otherwise, wouldn’t it be easy to somehow take the credit for my life and sobriety, leading to the very sense of false pride, arrogance and self centeredness that got me into trouble to begin with?

Now Agape love is what really caught my eye. Its definition was quite long and required more than just a casual “read through”.
“Love that loves without changing. Self giving without expecting repayment. So great it can be given to the unlovable or unappealing. It loves even when rejected. It loves because it wants to.” Agape love has little to do with emotion, but has much to do with self denial for the sake of another.
I have found and experienced Agape love in only a few instances; I experienced it with God, within the Fellowship, have received it from my parents, and experienced it towards the children in my life and towards other people in my life. You know for me, my first really personal concept of God came through my step-son at that time. I thought, “Why do we have kids?” I came to believe that it was the one physical way for me to experience even a glimpse of how God views me. I mean, is there really anything your child could do to actually make you “love” them more than you already do? Could they REALLY do anything that would cause you to “love” them less? Of course not! You love them because they are yours! Sure…they can make you proud or even disappointed…but the love simply is what it is…Agape.
So we know what the definition of love is and the various ways in which we love. But what about being “Loved”…just how do we feel loved? Well, we feel loved by what we see, what we hear and how we are treated. If I’m confiding in someone and while doing this they are TOTALLY blowing me off…I’m not going to feel very loved. I would most likely be feeling rather insignificant at that moment. But let’s say that this person is TOTALLY listening, sharing with me, encouraging me and supporting me…I am going to feel really different – I am going to feel loved.
But then we have that word…BELOVED.
“To be dearly loved, most treasured, adored, cherished. (A deep level of intimacy).”
When I first read that I thought, “You know, there are people in my life who are TRULY my beloved and there is NOTHING that I would not do for them.”  But then I looked at it, (remembering what that speaker had said), “I am the beloved of God”. Such an easy idea that for me was SO HARD to grasp! My heart leapt as I read those words again, realizing that “I” am God’s beloved. Through all my acts of self-centeredness and selfishness, I was dearly loved…through my many acts of defiance and rebellion, I was most treasured…through my collapse into self destruction, I was adored… and through my brokenness, I was cherished. Realizing I can never “do” anything SO GOOD as to make God love me more…nor can I ever do anything SO BAD as to cause God to love me less…God loves me because I am His! I am the beloved.
Martin Luther King said this;
“Agape is understanding, creative, redemptive goodwill towards all men. Agape is an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return. Theologians would say that it is the love of God operating in the human heart. When you rise to love on this level, you love all men not because you like them, not because their ways appeal to you, but you love them because God loves them.”
In my own recovery, something quite interesting has happened. While I initially came to understand and see myself as God’s beloved…something happened…changed in my heart… God became my beloved as well.
I thought with us coming upon our national holiday where we celebrate love and those with whom we have it; I  wanted to make this contribution to the word itself  and share in the joy of that awareness that I first came to believe and have now come to know…We are God’s Beloved and are dearly loved!

Everything about Christmas made me happy. Watching all the things my mom did leading up to that day was nothing short of amazing! Our home would be filled with the smell of cinnamon and apple cider. She would decorate each room with various holiday items, strategically placing the “Christmas Mouse” for my sister and me to try and search out. Every room would possess a sweet aroma, as she prepared with love, various snacks of all sorts – including chocolate fudge, peanut brittle and my all time favorite – Buttermilk Fudge! It was absolutely melt in your mouth good!

Going out with my Dad to find that, “just right”
Christmas tree was always a wonderful adventure. I loved holding his hand as we walked, with the smell of pine filling the air around us. It created a feeling within me, that everything about life in that moment was good. I can remember my dad laughing as I would agonize
over which tree was the “perfect” tree. Upon arriving home we would begin the best part of all – DECORATING! Daddy would first put the lights on the tree. Waiting for him to finish was next to impossible. Once we got the “go ahead” my sister and I would then delicately take each ornament, (many of which represented years of history in our family), and search out the best place for them to hang. The finishing touch would be the tinsel that we got to spread all over the tree. Once this was done Mom would put the star on top and we would turn everything off but the tree lights. The way the light reflected off the tinsel and metallic glass ornaments into the room was like magic! With each passing day, there would be more mystery and amazement as new presents would appear both under or actually in the tree, just waiting to be found. The week leading up to Christmas meant being out of school, playing all day and watching Christmas shows at night like “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”; “Miracle on 34th Street” and “Frosty the Snow Man” But the best part of all was sneaking over to that magical tree when no one was watching, to touch and shake the beautifully wrapped presents that bore my name!

Looking back on these memories causes my mind to wander. The past is funny isn’t it? Memories from so long ago, yet flooding back into my consciousness as if they just happened. Another memory that comes to me is of my very first 12-step meeting. I was taken from the hospital to the church it was held in. Waiting by the door for our driver to take us in, overcome by feelings of both excitement and trepidation, I peered through the window, looking around as much as I could. With a rush of emotion my heart began pounding, my mind racing; I turned to go and then heard him, “Alright folks! Let’s head in!” I did NOT want to go in and had made a feeble attempt to stand my ground. He leaned
down to me and said, “There are actions you will have to take if you want to live. Many wonderful things lie ahead of you, but you will not be able to get them unless you take the first step.” Deep inside of me I knew that what he said was the truth and I desperately wanted those “wonderful things” that he mentioned.

As we entered into the basement of that church the aroma of coffee and cookies filled the air. As we were shown our seats I watched all the different people who were performing various jobs. It was amazing to see because they all just seemed so…happy. Throughout the meeting I heard people share about where they had come from, what they were going through and all the things that were changing in their life. My heart began pounding and my mind racing, however this time for a different reason. I wanted what they had. I thought, “Will it happen for me?”, “Would it be the life I desired to have?”, “Could it be even better than I hoped for?” You see this night was the single most important night in the history of the whole world – for on this night I would begin the journey into a new life that I could not even begin to fathom. As that first meeting came to a close, everyone got in a circle and held hands. Within myself I was filled with a feeling of warmth, and everything about life in that moment was good.

With newly found vigor and zeal I approached treatment and recovery. I wanted it so much! It was all I could think about. I got a sponsor and wanted everything to happen fast! Waiting for her to give me step work was next to impossible. With each passing day there was more mystery and amazement as new truths were revealed while still others were just waiting to be found. But the best part of all came when I was given my medallion – The one I had touched so many times when I thought no one was looking. It represented something I could not have grasped in the beginning… that of a gift freely given to those who would have it and the promise of a new and amazing life.

(Rebecca B)
BeccainBham@aol.com

“To the exact degree that I take these actions, is the degree by which I will receive the benefits of them – up to and including ongoing sobriety and quality of life.”

It is not just that I have read my Big Book… but rather am I using it as a TEXT to look for my problems and the solutions offered for them.

It is not just that I can name a sponsor or that I even talk to my sponsor…rather am I being honest with my sponsor? Reviewing my days, listening, following suggestions and taking the directions given to me am I recognizing my sponsor as the physical extension through which my Higher Power will often work? It is not just that I have worked the steps or that I know how to use them…rather am I applying the steps on a daily basis, relying on the direction of my sponsor and the ability given to me by my God? Am I working the steps as an action to grow in intimacy with the God of my understanding?

It is not just that I go to meetings or even that I can name a home group…rather: am I an ACTIVE MEMBER of my home group, contributing to it in some way on a weekly basis? (Whether that is done by greeting people, giving my number to newcomers, helping set up, helping clean up, reading, giving out chips, etc…)

It is not just that I believe in God or that I talk to God in the morning and/or at night…rather: am I actively seeking God throughout the day? Am I asking for guidance in each questionable situation? Am I relying on God; and in doing so, recognizing my own limitations…leading me to grow in humble intimacy with Him?

I have known plenty of people that would say (having come back from a relapse), “I did all that stuff and it didn’t work!!!” But in my experience (when we probed a little deeper and looked at the degree by which they took the 5 spiritual actions and applied them), it had not gone below the surface. The reliance (if any), that had been built – had been built on “people” rather than on “God”. The Big Book says, “we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid ” Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.” And so we will find this to be true in our recovery efforts. I have to remember “Who” keeps me sober and what role the 5 actions play: The Big Book is a text that guides me in (a) Understanding the problem; (b) Gaining insight to the solution, and; (c) In the applicable plan of the 12-steps as they are laid out…leading me to develop a relationship with God.

- The Sponsor is there to guide me in the understanding of the Big Book and the action of applying the 12 steps to my life.

- The Meetings are there to support me in my recovery efforts and to allow me the opportunity to get out of myself and be of service to others.

- The Steps are there to enable me to develop a personal and intimate relationship with the God of my understanding.

- Prayer is there to remind me that “I” am not my answer and “God” always is. So you take the 5 spiritual actions and add them together as if doing basic math:

Big Book+Sponsor+ Home Group+Steps+Prayer = RECOVERY??? NOT QUITE!

To get the full result, the BOTTOM LINE TOTAL…we must add one final piece to the equation:

+ Helping Others

When this is added we get: Sobriety, Wholeness, Happiness, Purpose, Fulfillment, Life …and the list goes on.

~ To the degree that I desire these things in my life…is the degree by which I will have to take action in these areas.

You know when I was a kid and someone would tell me I needed to “grow up” it really would frustrate me. But when I became an adult and people would say, “You just need to grow up!” Now THAT would really tick me off! Mostly because to me, it was the same as someone telling me that I wasn’t good enough or  that I was less than them. I also didn’t like words such as “childish” or “immature” for the same reason and because anytime those words were directed towards me it wasn’t as a “compliment”. Yet when I first came into treatment and began getting sober, these were some of the first words I started hearing and the concept of “growing up” was again placed before me. So lets look at what is involved in growing up and/or becoming a mature adult and member of society:

1.)  What we know: Part of maturity is gaining knowledge of living    skills, social skills and coping skills that we need to be successful.

2.)  What we say:  How I speak is very important to my standing in society. If I am cussing everyone out like a loose cannon, people will  most likely not be inclined to put a lot of faith in my stability and I’m guaranteed to spend most of my time in conflict with others.

3.) How I act:  My behavior is crucial to my well being in society. If I have a job and one day get angry and just start throwing things around and being destructive. What is going to happen? Yep..most likely I’ll end up unemployed. How I act will have a direct effect on my quality of life.

4.)  Who I know:  Well, part of growing up is knowing who your friends are. I don’t have folks in my house that I have to look at “sideways”. Also for example: If I’m trying to get a good job, it helps to know someone that can help me get my foot in the door.

5.)  My own strength:  Part of developing into a mature adult is having a sense of inner strength and will power. The development of these qualities leads to perseverance and success.

So it is easy to see that these qualities are a necessary part of growing up and being a successful adult. It also makes sense that when we come into recovery these things can and do become very confusing! I mean think about it, the five things previously listed are very logical right? But lets look at what happens when we try to use these same things to “keep” us clean and sober:

1)  What we know:  The Big Book of Alcoholic’s Anonymous says, “Self knowledge avails us nothing”. What I know doesn’t keep me sober. If it did, I would get the information the first time and never mess up again.

2.) What we say:  Words are cheap! We all know how to talk a good game. But talking never kept anyone clean/sober. How many times did you say you were “fine” right before you relapsed?

3.)  How we act:  We will act however we have to in order to get what we want. How I act and where I’m really at can be two totally different things.

4.)  Who I know:  Sure it’s important to get with the “winners”. That isn’t the problem. But the Big Book  said, “The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a  few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.”  (No person or even group of people can save me!) This is why relapse could occur even though I had a home group and sponsor. It is NOT the home group and sponsor that “save” me. They support and guide me in the application of the spiritual 12 steps that teach me how to connect and rely upon the God that is the only One who keeps me relived from the bondage of my active addiction.

5.)  My own strength: While it is true that inner strength, will power and personal motivation are all parts of a successful life, they don’t relieve the mental obsession. The Big  Book says: “We are restless, irritable and discontented  unless we can again experience the sense of ease and  comfort that comes at once by taking a few drinks.” I feel this way because when first getting sober, the one power source that did for me what I couldn’t do for myself, (the chemicals), is gone and I’ve not yet replaced it with anything. The more I take action in my recovery, the more relief I will gain from these three emotions. Likewise, the more “I run the show” the more these emotions will increase until I relieve them with picking up again.

The concepts of recovery are frustrating and aggravating when we first start hearing them because they aren’t “logical”. Everything is a paradox. To be saved you have to “let go”; To gain power you have to admit “powerlessness”; To gain recovery you have to “surrender” ; To keep what you have you have to “give it away”.  Recovery is based on spiritual principles. The logic/intellect and the spirit are two completely different things. (Like oil and vinegar.) This is why it is so frustrating. My instincts lead me to want to use logic. I have to “learn” to use spiritual principles. In essence, “I have to do the paradox of growing up, by grow down.” So how do I do that?

To use the best example I know of, let’s look at the qualities of a very young child: They are honest, believing, forgiving, accepting, teachable, willing, open-minded. They will: try, ask questions, admit when they don’t know something and be ok with being wrong.

Now let’s look at recovery. We can see where the qualities of a mature adult tend to clash with addiction recovery. So let’s look at what happens when we incorporate the qualities of a child.

1.)  The Big Book says the essentials of recovery are willingness,        honesty and open-mindedness.

2.)  Step 2 tells me I will come to believe. (Belief is the suspicion that causes me to make a decision to take action on something.)

3.)  Forgiveness and acceptance are qualities that enable me to move

past my resentments.

4.)  Being “teachable” and willing to “ask questions” is what allows me to learn and develop a new way of living.

5.)  Admitting that “I don’t know” and allowing  myself to “be wrong” are just part of recovery. Let’s be honest, I can live my entire life learning everyday and in the end there will still be things that I don’t know. Also, I can strive all I want to have strong morals, values and principles – but I will never be God and therefore will never go through a single day without experiencing being wrong.

So the answer to my growth in sobriety? Asking God to enable me to just simply “grow down”.